May 2024,
Verbal and Emotional Abuse is a topic that unfortunately affects many individuals. Arguments with emotional abusers often escalate rapidly, causing a firestorm of damage. However, diffusing tense situations can help prevent further harm.
Stay calm and composed: Preserve your emotional stability by taking deep breaths and reminding yourself of your power. Responding from a place of calmness allows for clearer communication and reduces the chances of further escalation. Take a moment, take a breath, then speak calmly without raising your voice. Make a statement about you and how you feel. Share your feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory which may exacerbate the situation. “I think” and “I feel”, will encourage healthier communication and prevent them from feeling blamed or cornered; it shows them that you are want a conversation. It shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying and that you value their thoughts and feelings. By repeating what you believe they said, you are not only showing that you are listening but also that you are trying to fully understand their perspective. This is known as reflecting, and it can go a long way in building trust and open communication with others. Acknowledging and validating someone’s feelings is an important aspect of effective communication. It allows the person to feel heard, understood, and supported. When someone is upset, it’s important to show empathy and compassion. This can be done through nonverbal cues, such as maintaining eye contact and using a calm and attentive tone of voice. It’s also important not to judge or interrupt the person while they are expressing their emotions. This creates a safe space for the person to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged or dismissed.
Next, acknowledge that they have feelings about this, you could say, “I can see how that made you feel”. Then say, “Can you tell me why this upsets you”? When you are listening, don’t judge them or interrupt them. Keep eye contact, and don’t let anything interrupt you, either. Don’t laugh at them and if you don’t agree, keep quiet. Watch your facial expression. Don’t show your feelings. Just listen. You can touch them if they are upset and show empathy but don’t cross your arms, that makes you look judgmental or in a hurry for them to finish. Tell them that you understand that this is important to them. You can say “I know how that feels”, “That must have been awful”, or “That makes sense.” If you are not sure what they are saying, Ask them. “Are you saying ………”? The point is to recognize that they feel this way, even if you feel differently. This isn’t the time to disagree, it’s the time to listen and validate their feelings. By actively listening and validating someone’s feelings, you are strengthening your relationship with that person. It shows that you are willing to put in the effort to truly understand their perspective. This can lead to stronger relationships, as well as better communication and problem-solving skills. So next time you find yourself in a conversation, remember to actively listen, reflect, and validate the other person’s feelings. It will not only benefit the person you are talking to but also yourself and your relationships.
Be respectful. There are some things many people do that cause conflicts in the relationship. Interrupting or talking over you doesn’t give you a chance to be heard, so be careful not to do that to others. No one wants to feel dismissed or to have someone tell them how they should feel, and no one wants to be chastised or degraded. It’s dismissing to tell someone it could be worse, or you are overthinking or taking something personal or too seriously. The worst thing to hear from someone who is supposed to care about you is, “Why didn’t you do this”, or “You could have avoided this by doing ……!”
In a relationship, it’s easy to get comfortable and forget that respect is important. Remember that people we care about deserve the same level of consideration that we would give to an acquaintance. We should never feel entitled to insult, dismiss, or degrade loved ones. If we do, we need to take a step back and reevaluate our behavior. When our spouse or long-term partner speaks to us disrespectfully, we have a right to stand up for ourselves. We can calmly and assertively remind them that their words are hurtful and unacceptable. By teaching them how to treat us, we are showing that we value ourselves and expect to be treated with respect. If they continue to speak to us disrespectfully, we have the right to remove ourselves from the situation. It is okay to say that we are willing to continue the conversation, but only if it is done with respect toward each other.
Emotional abuse can go unnoticed or unaddressed yet leave you feeling trapped and powerless, or it can grow into a higher- volume verbally Abusive onslaught of degradation. By shedding light on the signs of emotional abuse, gaining insights and resilience on how to deal with abusers, de-escalating arguments, and overcoming adversity in power struggles, there is hope to be able to move toward healing and self-empowerment. This type of abuse is an invisible enemy that thrives on manipulation and control. Recognizing the signs is crucial in breaking free from this toxic cycle.
What I found in my abuser included constant criticism and belittlement, isolation from my family, blaming me for his behavior, and constant gaslighting. Instead, of controlling finances as many abusers do, he kept his pay and refused to contribute financially to the home, and I supported him and his other family, or I would lose the entire investment that he scammed me for. He blamed me for everything he did, I caused this because I didn’t cooperate like he wanted me to, I should get over myself, for his behavior. By understanding these signs, individuals can begin to identify emotional abuse and take the first steps toward reclaiming their emotional well-being. By being able to recognize the signs, victims can respond to abusers with strength, master the art of de-escalation, and break free from the suffocating grasp of emotional abuse.
Choose your battles. Not every disagreement needs to be resolved immediately. Determine which issues are essential and address them constructively, while letting go of trivial matters that may only incite your abuser further. If it does, you will know when you reach your limit, When you feel that you have stated all you want to say at that moment, say “I want to talk further, but not like this, I will wait for you to have a conversation, let me know when you are ready”, then walk away. This is how you begin to build your own strength. You control what happens to you because you can’t keep him in control of himself. Share your feelings using “I” statements to avoid making accusatory statements that may exacerbate the situation. This encourages healthier communication and prevents your abuser from feeling cornered.
When faced with a verbal abuser, you might initially feel powerless and incapable of change. They are quick with strong, sharp words. They use that power to control you with fear. However, some strategies can empower individuals to regain control of their lives. Asserting personal boundaries is essential in combating emotional abuse. So clearly communicate your limits, making it known that certain behaviors are unacceptable. It’s ok to say, “I don’t like hearing that (whatever they said). This is not true, so stop saying that to me.” I was brave to walk away saying, “You can stay here and tell that to yourself because I’m not going to listen to it.”
Remember, we are not alone in this journey. Seeking support and taking steps toward healing is vital; it’s the first stride toward reclaiming your emotional strength, power, happiness, and well- being. Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or professionals can provide a valuable support network. They can offer guidance, engaging in activities that boost your mental and emotional well- being. Abused women can gradually regain their lost sense of self- worth by focusing on their personal growth and nurturing themselves. Make a plan, a strategy to prioritize yourself and be able to gain the strength in you to lessen their impact on you.
If you want to talk about how you handled emotional abuse, Post in the Comments. Or email me at laurainabashir@gmail.com
Lauraina Bashir