August 2024,
When I figured this all out I just listened and he kept going until he finally shut up realizing he got zero response. I think that took the fun out of it for him. He expected an argument, but while he was yelling, I kept my thoughts in my own head like, I hope he stops yelling soon, or I hope he feels better after venting. My point in saying these things in my head was so that I could keep observing and staying separate from what he was going through because he chose to rant and be angry, and I chose to stand there and keep quiet to watch him suffer alone with anger and without making me suffer. You cannot reason with unreasonable people.
I was the mother who had a kid sitting on the floor in the store mad because they could get what they wanted, and I’d say let me know when you’re done being mad and looked at things on the shelf hoping she wouldn’t take long, or I’d watch some other empathetic mother stare at me and say fun isn’t it? If it got too bad I’d say ok I’m leaving now are you coming? She’d get up. So you see I already knew that participating makes tantrums makes them last longer. When I first observed my husband I had the epiphany of being that mother, and from then on, I found that observing rather than participating, was always better for me and for living with him until I could afford to leave.
You can manage if you allow them to be angry without participating in it, they’ll figure out that the act of anger is shorter without audience participation. And it can help you just stand there and support while they struggle with choice. Say “I heard you I hope you feel better after getting that out”. Take care of Yourself during abusive encounters. “From Bliss to This”, https://mybook.to/BHdnM is a story about manipulation and emotional abuse that was part of my life regularly. If this is happening to you, you are giving your life to someone who doesn’t deserve you! You can take your life back I did, trust me. It takes time to heal from any type of trauma. I looked up some of the ways emotional abuse affects women, to validate my own feelings. Anxiety, Trouble sleeping, Being easily scared, Avoid stressful things that reminded me of pending abuse, and feeling emotionally numb.
I was diagnosed with Hypertension and anxiety, my blood pressure was always in the normal range. I went on four different Blood pressure medicines, all with horrible side effects, and settled on one that didn’t. I started taking anxiety meds, Alprazolam and Zoloft, then Zolpidem to sleep, on top of Melatonin and Tylenol PM. before I could I had a distressing anxiety attack. As the situation got worse, I had a psychiatrist giving me strong narcotic drugs to help me cope. I started avoiding him, and that eventually helped me to stop those medsone by one. I was numb with them, but I wanted to be numb without them.
Today, my life has improved, but I’m still dealing with hypertension and blood pressure meds that do not go away; I’m
afraid to want or trust a man to be near me again. I’m over being numb, but I’m more emotional now than before, and my empathy is in high gear I cry over nothing and everything emotional. Through my fingers, in writing “From Bliss to This”, my anxiety has lessened, and along with the added stress I had, they are both currently living safely in my book, instead of my body. Writing helps decompress. Advise on with an emotional abuser from my point of view.
Separate what they say from who you are, they don’t define who you are, you do. The easiest way I found, was to directly call him out on his abusive behavior and not answer to a thing he said to me, or called me. It took the wind right out of his sails. He wanted a response and didn’t get one. The more clear and direct I was, the less he would abuse me with his words. He expected something he wasn’t getting. I had to stand up for myself. I looked at him and addressed how I felt about what he was doing not what he was saying. I’d say, “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not going to listen to you calling me names. “ “I can’t understand a word you are saying when you yell.“ “Whatever you think of to shame me, will never work.” I don’t hear disrespectful words. You have to keep calm don’t go to their level. You can say things like: “ Is this to hurt my feelings ?” or “That statement was hurtful.” “That comment you
made doesn’t sit well with me so I’m leaving now, you can talk to yourself. Then I’d walk away. “When you say that, I feel criticized unnecessarily like I’m supposed to feel bad about myself, but that won’t work with me anymore.” “ That comment was supposed to make me feel ashamed. I don’t like it when you talk like that, If it doesn’t stop, I’ll walk away, and I can end the relationship if that’s what you are trying to accomplish.
Don’t engage them when they’re nasty. It’s really easy to be mean back, but it will only escalate things. If you stay in charge of yourself, he can’t take charge of you. Remain as calm as you can but keep stating your boundaries. ”If you speak to me like that again, I will leave”. Another thing you can say is,” I don’t want to resort to name-calling, If you call me that name again, I will not talk to you anymore”. “Either I will leave or you will, I mean what I say”. Make comments about your feelings regarding his behaviors, not his actual words. They are just the tools he uses to hurt you, ignore what he says, and talk about his presentation and how you feel about it. “ I didn’t hear what you said, all I heard was yelling, I’m sure you know how to talk like a human.“ All I said to him was in my normal voice.
When your boundary is crossed, they know what they are doing. You already told them calmly, firmly, politely, and clearly. Just act normal and say, “I told you that if you talk to me like that again, I would leave. I asked you not to. I am finished. I will not be disrespected. I assume you are insulting me on purpose knowing I’ll leave”. You have to mean what you say at some point. If your requests aren’t heard and your boundaries mean nothing, if you aren’t respected, you need to leave this situation, especially if you feel like you’re put down, sad, ashamed, or over-stressed, and they have no intention of changing no matter what you said. These are good signs that they’re not going to change and aren’t worthy to be in your presence.
I walked away from a house I bought years before I met him, even after redesigned it, rebuilt it, and paid for it myself. It was very difficult, but I learned to value myself and that was priceless. Starting over alone, was scary. But I did it. I learned a lot about myself. I’m capable of a lot more than I imagined to face him and not flinch, as soon as I knew I would survive and the time was right I was gone. Patience was my friend. I continue rebuilding my life as best I can. I remember the last line of an old song. “Don’t ever underestimate the power of a woman.” We are capable.
How do you handle angry aggressors, what worked for you? Post itin the Comments.
Lauraina Bashir