September 2024,
People with codependency tend to enable others by doing things that they are capable of doing on their own. The first
question we need to ask ourselves is am I giving more than I’m receiving with this person, or is this person taking advantage of or using me? Enablers seem to be incapable of staying “No,” which is often their way of trying to gain the approval of others. In healthy relationships, two people support each other by listening or taking up additional responsibilities when their partner is sick.
Problems appear when you direct or manage rather than support others. Don’t make decisions for others or clean up after them when they can handle the responsibility themselves. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to support or manage?” Even if you think you know what’s best for the other person, you can’t control them. When you let a friend or partner do things for themselves they have more space to grow. This creates a better relationship between you both.
How to stop being an enabler in a relationship: Stop rescuing. Resist the urge to fix their problems, Encourage accountability, care for yourself first. Build your self-respect, recognize your own strengths, and find time for things that matter to you. Replace negative talk with positive things that give you confidence, we all have anxious thoughts like:
All-or-nothing thinking. Oversimplify things you are not terrible because someone says so.
Expecting the worst, don’t worry if someone gets mad and won’t talk to me again for what you chose to do.
Self-blame for things you can’t control. It’s not your fault someone ended up in an accident or got arrested.
Using “should” statements to set imaginary rules. You should be there to do something someone else needs
Filtering out positive things. They are happy until something else comes along.
Labeling yourself for your inability. I didn’t want to do that today, so I’m lazy.
Recognize these types of thoughts when they arise, and take a moment. There is no evidence to support these things, so don’t assume them. Assumptions and worrying are useless, They give you something to do, get you nowhere, and nothing is in your control anyway.
Assess how you feel when you’re with someone. Building positive relationships outside, your social life brings higher self- esteem, and that self-esteem helps you have satisfying relationships. Social interactions beyond the person you’re overly focused on, and spending time with friends and meeting new people help you grow. You won’t feel drained. Find friends who make you laugh and feel comfortable.
Thinking about how others make you feel can also help you identify necessary boundaries. After interacting with other people, reflect on your feelings by asking yourself questions. Did the other person make jokes or comments that made you feel disrespected? Did they do anything that made you uncomfortable? Do they raise their voice in anger or tell you they are angry? There is a difference. Did you feel pressured to do things that didn’t match your values? Did you feel overwhelmed by their expectations of you? Did you feel as if they were more controlling than assertive?
Set boundaries Try to use “I” statements to convey how you feel. Avoid “you” statements, which can seem accusatory. For example, say, “I felt overwhelmed by (the cause) when, ( the effect)“I feel disrespected and uncomfortable when, etc. Expressing your emotions is a great way to start laying the groundwork for a boundary. Not everyone in your life is going to respect your boundaries all of the time. They might accidentally or intentionally cross one. That is when you restate what you need if didn’t understand or forgot your request. Be calm, firm, and clear about what your needs are. State clear and reasonable consequences for crossing your boundary. If someone talks over you, tell them “I feel disrespected when you talk over me. If you do that again, I’ll end the conversation.” It’s important to follow through on a consequence, so they won’t overstep your boundaries in the future.
Toxic and turbulent family relationships can have long-lasting effects on your health and well-being as I did. Like blaming yourself for poor relationships, having fear and anxiety, hesitating to reach out for support, and suffering without it when things are hardest. You develop trouble sleeping and focusing due to the stress.
What else can we do to keep our marriage working? Post it in the comments
Lauraina Bashir