August 2024,
The words we speak define who WE are and how we live! Speaking effectively is better than being right! I never HAVE to
argue; if I don’t agree, I know now how to disagree effectively!
To be effective, Observe, rise above yourself, don’t be critical or judging. Take notice of the actions and feelings of yourself, as well as others. Seek first to understand, then to be understood! When people blame you, they see you as responsible for their problems. Independent people take responsibility for their own life. 80% of things that get in their way are unimportant.
To have a good relationship with someone, be to them, what you would want for yourself. Always try to make things better, especially with difficult people. When you are aggressive, they retaliate, so everything you say should leave them a bit unsure and require them to take a breath, de-weaponize them, and always accept reality. Ask yourself, “What can I do or say instead, to avoid trouble, keep myself strong, and be better? Tell the truth, with gentleness, and without blame. You need to win, but so do they; Peace is your win. They win when they feel like they come out on top, while you are at the bottom. However, being right is not a win for you; being happy is. If you compliment them, it will “never” DIM you! Acknowledge their being unaware of your feelings, and say how what they are doing affects you, then say, “I want things to be better.” Expect to be dumped on, never be defensive or aggressive, don’t blame or degrade them, and address them if they do it to you, but don’t interrupt, but tell them, how what they said makes you feel, or tell them firmly, “Do not say that, I don’t like it.” If it continues, leave the room. If you do see your part of a problem that they brought up, DO NOT defend yourself. You do not have to admit you were. Tell them, “I understand, what you are saying, “next time tell me, right away, I’ll try not to do that! “This can diffuse so they are not so reactive!
Be smart, and try to understand their IN-tent, more than their CON-tent in what they say. Respond without letting them define you with words. Again, defending yourself is excusing yourself. Being respectful of how they are, don’t offend, a non-defensive reply can be a question. Ask, “What is your intent in saying that, so I understand better?” or Say “What do you think could happen, so we can both be happy?” When they rep, say, “I will listen if you will,” then remember, do not interrupt. Listening is a choice.
When people yell at you, you do not have to answer. Think of it as “being good for them to get it out.” What they say, is how THEY Feel and tells you how THEY are coping. It “doesn’t” define who you are; it defines who they are. They yell FOR themselves more than AT you! Don’t feel victimized, don’t take it personally. Set a boundary/ draw a line, when you need to. Say, “I want to hear what you have to say, but not like this! “you do not deserve to be yelled at; you can say I need a break to calm myself, then turn to walk away. Say, “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” If you are being given a hard time, this will help to keep you in control. Think of yourself as “The one to feel better, AND The one to make them feel better and less volatile. Remember, people who feel helpless complain the loudest and longest. Say, “Tell me. How can I solve this with you? How can we meet 1/2 way”?
Men evaluate closeness vertically, (are they one up? Or one down?) Women evaluate closeness horizontally, and think win-win, not win-lose, (which is one, getting their way). No one wants to be the “loser” in conflict. Do we want to win at the expense of others? Should one have to lose for the gain of others? The best decisions are made when everyone has a say. It takes two to conflict, and one to stop it from getting there. Be THAT one! ESPECIALLY with difficult people.
Let there be a space between what happens and what you do about it in response. Always keep the space there whether talking texting or writing.
Know what you want to accomplish. No one can control you or make you feel inferior without your permission and cooperation! The only way they can walk on you is if you lie down! Give respect, express listen, make eye contact, develop a rapport, make a better connection, and stay true to yourself. Approach who THEY are: Events plus response = Outcome! Know who you are dealing with:
1. A Dictator is controlling, stubborn, and needs their needs to be met…. Ask for their help, compliment them, never use the word “but,” don’t criticize, don’t argue, be an ally.
2. A Know-it-all needs to remain the expert, and likes credit. Say non-threatening things to them, ask a question first, then add your opinion later. Start with, “What would happen if….?
3. A Sniper: is aggressive, so try, “What did you mean by that? I’m not sure that I understand. Say, “If there’s a problem, please come to me “. Ask, “ How do others feel about this?”
4. A Delayer tells you what you want to hear, but doesn’t follow through. They want to be loved and need deadlines for doing things. You need to follow up & keep after them to get what you need. Say, “I will get right back to you to check on how this is going.“
5. A Complainer sucks you dry, say, “How can I help you? Who is at fault? How (or when) did this happen? How can we solve this ?”. Listen, and stop when you have heard enough!
6. Procrastinators hope for the better, are lazy, and are afraid of mistakes. Say, I’m going to help get things to start happening.” Then set goals for them.
The longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself, so look for the best in yourself, appreciate your value, be accountable to yourself, and don’t let the words of another become your own. Take care of yourself, and separate what they do from who you are.
I became very good at Dealing with Verbal Abuse in my home. I figured out how to deal with it alone, I wasn’t going to
keep taking it, and when he was on a roll, he didn’t stop. Little by little, I learned to stand taller and call him out on his rants. The easiest way I found to call him out, was to speak firmly. “STOP calling me that word, I don’t like it. ” Or I don’t respond to being spoken to like a child. I put my fingers in my years and said, “I don’t listen to words that I find disrespectful to me.” Sometimes I’d say,” if you spoke in a normal voice, I might have heard words. All I heard was you yelling and have no idea what you said.” You could talk like a human.” I often walked away immediately. He would keep it up, and I would escape, saying I’m not listening to you scream!
You might want to say things that voice how you feel more than blame: “When you say “….. “ it hurts my feelings, so I don’t want to listen.” or “That statement is hurtful, what you are saying, that doesn’t sit well with me and this conversation is over.” When you say “I feel criticized unnecessarily.” or “Comments like that are said to make people feel ashamed and bad about themselves, but you will never make me feel that way.” And ” I don’t like it when you talk to me like that, I’ll leave, and you can talk to yourself.” You are not blaming you are making a statement about feelings that you deserve to have.
It got to a point where the more clear I was, about my own feelings, the harder it was for him to have a comeback or deny that he was behaving abusively. When he was raging, he was unaware of whatever he said. When someone is so nasty, you want to be that way right back to them, but that will only make it worse. Just stand up and call out the behavior and how you view THAT.
You do not have to address the content, just the presentation and how you feel about it. He cannot define you with those words, so ignore them, they have no value, they are only the tools he uses to try to degrade you, and your reply should only be about how you feel about what he’s doing, while you take the wind out of his sails. It’s best not to engage directly and escalate things, remain as calm as you can, and keep setting boundaries, so the next time you can just remind him with “I told you I will not be treated like that.” Be clear, “If you speak to me like that again, I will leave. Another thing you can say is, “I won’t be called names. If you call me that again, I will not talk to you anymore.” or I will file for divorce, or I will move, or you will move because this is my place.”
When your boundary is crossed, then you have to follow through if he repeats, so he knows you mean what you say. Tell
him, “I told you not to talk to me like that. So I’m going to assume that you did it on purpose, so I wouldn’t talk to you anymore, or end our relationship. I need to do that now because I mean what I say. Remain calm the truth is you aren’t respected, You need to leave the situation, especially if you feel like you’re put down, sad, ashamed, or stressed. If it has gotten to this point, It’s a good sign that they’re not for you. I finally learned to value myself and rebuild my life.
This article was written by me, as a synopsis of notes I took in a class back in 1997 at a local community college. If you have something else to share about handling difficult people Please share, it in the Comments.
Lauraina Bashir