April 2024,
Due diligence is a term used to describe what people do to confirm facts or details we were told about something we are considering acquiring for ourselves. That way, we know the legitimacy of it. Wouldn’t women be better off when meeting an unknown person and considering them to be the most significant part of our lives; our partner in life?
They won’t know that we are doing due diligence, so why don’t we do an assessment that matters? This is, loving with both our hearts and our brains. Women have excellent instincts, but our instincts can be masked by our emotions when we fall in love. The truth is, we should “want” this person more than need them. We know our needs, but perhaps a successful relationship will happen if we can understand what it is about them that we really want in our lives. How much wasted time could we save if we asked ourselves these questions, and made every effort to observe and fact-check before our love intensifies, and we become more vulnerable to heartbreak? Here are some things we CAN do diligently, (meaning doing something thoroughly, and well.) to decide how we truly feel, how he measures up to what we want in a committed relationship, and how you’re doing as a couple. Ask yourself these questions:
Am I making a good choice, or am I sitting in the eye of a storm? Am I making a careful assessment of my relationship? Am I embracing traits I see on the surface and overlooking obvious discrepancies? Am I seeing a humble person or one who is ego-driven, prone to judge or ridicule? Am I feeling inferior to him, or equal? Am I blocking my deeper instincts with my emotions? Am I focusing too much on what we have in common, or overlooking traits that signal incompatibility? Is he reasonable and flexible in non-critical matters? Am I willing to submit to do things “his way” if that becomes my only choice; for a lifetime? Am I constantly wondering if he really hears me, or is he thinking of what he has to say next? Am I willing to have him dominate our conversations, or interrupt me for a lifetime? Am I ok with him giving no response to what I say until he expresses his own views? Am I comfortable with his responses to interactions with his parents, siblings, and children, or the elderly, different cultures, races, religions, or people with diversified backgrounds? Am I able to predict his responses because I know him that well? Am I willing to commit to a lifetime of avoiding things because I know he will respond in a critical way? Am I sure that this relationship is a worthy investment? Am I sure that when the romance fades, a loyal and trustworthy friend will remain, or will I regret that I did not ask myself the right questions?
I have been asked my opinion by women who have dated men of different cultures; if just one person would read my story and understand that culture is too deeply embedded to rush into marriage blindly, I’d be quite happy. Love with your head, not just your heart, and listen to the voice of experience.
I did NOT ask these questions before I married my husband and since I wrote this book about what happened, I have gotten many emails at laurainabashir@gmail.com from women who were dating Muslim men, found my book, read it, and asked me for guidance and support, in getting out, which I am happy to give. If you consider marriage and dating with a Muslim, They can be very charming until you are hooked. We are not all grounded. Some of us flounder and find the advances of a Muslim man flattering, but you’re missing the red flags. If, like my husband, is willing to compromise the core ethics of his religion, you don’t stand a chance. You’ll be used for his gain and your body. He didn’t sign up for difficult. You were easy, a distraction and a release for his masculine tension. There are only two ways for him to address this, His way or the highway.
You may be asked to become Muslim so that he doesn’t have to upset his traditional parents. He will shift the burden onto you, and if you don’t bite, it’s over. If you find yourself in this situation, cut and run. It’s better for both of you. Even if you embrace his faith, as a woman of integrity, you will have little respect for him soon enough. If you decide to invest early, you’re taking an enormous risk. Consider what Islam teaches about women, marriage, and family. Even if he is not practicing, he may one day. He may become more devout as life circumstances change, such as having children. (Download the PDF) Dating a Muslim: Understanding his Religion and Culture.
He may tell you that it is “okay” for you to be married despite your different faiths. This is because to Muslims, Islam is the final religion and his religion supersedes your relationship with God. Muslim men are allowed, and even encouraged, to marry Christian women. Taking a Christian wife spreads Islam by preventing the woman from marrying a Christian man and having Christian children.
Master manipulators are very clever, and my husband was no exception. Getting to the point of writing From Bliss to This was a long process that started back in 1997. We had a happy marriage, looking back, I saw red flags I missed, but I lived in Bliss for twelve years, I thought he was as happy as I was. He was all I’d hoped he would be and more. Too perfect in hindsight. He told me one day early in our relationship before marriage that there was something he wanted to ask me but couldn’t. He said, “Someday you might do what I want without my asking.” It was never brought up again, so I thought nothing of it. A lot of fear, pain, heartache, and loss later, after he had changed into this person I did not know, I thought about that moment years ago. He meant, will I give him my property? Another missed red flag. Sign it to him in exchange for him taking care of me for the rest of my life? It was then that I began to believe that right from the beginning, he planned to do exactly that, Charming himself into my financial life, guilting me, getting on my deed. He hoped I’d do it and made sure he played his part well to emphasize that we were married and it would be forever. Everything he said later, while I was building the house with my money, was about making me feel guilty that he was investing in me. I should put him on the deed in case something “happened to me.” He said he would lose everything, and he was sure my family would throw him out. He wanted me to take care of him if that happened. He tried so hard to convince me and use my weaknesses and love for his selfish gain. I told him I would not go against my father’s advice to keep it only in my name. The pressure he placed on me went on relentlessly as he love-bombed me to see it his way. He was the perfect example of “Fake it till you make it.” It took him over 12 years of acting before he got what he worked so hard for, and the tides turned against me. For me… all I can say is, “You don’t know what you don’t know, and when you know better, you do better.” To learn more about master manipulators for yourself. I have added links below.
https://experteditor.com.au/blog/if-someone-displays-these-behaviors-there-a-master-manipulator/
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-manipulative-behavior-5220502
All comments are welcome, we need to think smarter. Post them, please.
Lauraina Bashir